Humor About Men Vol.4

Testing Drivers

A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further he's stopped by a police officer. 

Officer: "Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?". 
Man: "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air". 
Officer: "Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test". 
Man: "I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death". 
Officer: "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line". 
Man: "Can't do that either". 
Officer: "Why not?". Man: "Because I'm dead drunk".


Help
A man called his neighbour to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the doorway.

They pushed and pulled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't budge.

"Forget it," the man finally gasped. "We'll never get this in." 

The neighbour looked at him quizzically and said, "In?"

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WARNINGS
Pietro had drifted down to Florida and was working with a gang at road construction. He had been told to beware of rattlesnakes, but assured that they would always give the warning rattle before striking.
One hot day he was eating his noon luncheon on a pine log when he saw a big rattler coiled a few feet in front of him. He eyed the serpent and began to lift his legs over the log. He had barely got them out of the way when the snake's fangs hit the bark beneath him. "Son of a guna!" yelled Pietro. "Why you no ringa da bell?"
Intoxicated
A Scotsman visiting America stood gazing at a fine statue of George Washington, when an American approached.
"That was a great and good man, Sandy," said the American; "a lie never passed his lips." "Weel," said the Scot, "I praysume he talked through his nose like the rest of ye."