|
|
|
FROM
COMEDIANS VOL.1
|
|
About
the best and finest
thing in this world is laughter.—Anna A. Chapin
|
| Last
night, I walked up
to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her,"Do you live around here
often?" She said, "You're wearing two different colored socks. "I
said,"Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness. "Then
she asked, "How do you feel?" and I said,"Well, you know when you're
sitting
on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean
too
far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself?
I feel like that all the time."(Steven Wright) |
|
| "I'm
addicted to placebos,"
a comedian confesses. "I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any
difference,"
says Jay Leno. |
|
| Well-known
lodging chain
announced it was creating a line of nofrills hotels. Said comedy writer
Paul Ryan: "The only way you'll see a chocolate on the pillow now is if
the last guest was eating an M&M." |
|
| "A friend
of mine once sent
me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from
space,"
says comedian Steven Wright. "On the back it said, 'Wish you were
here.'
" |
|
| "We
used to play spin
the bottle when I was a kid," says comedy writer Gene Perret. "A girl
would
spin the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either
kiss
you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home." |
|
"All of
the people in my
building are insane," says comedian Steven Wright. "The guy above me
designs
synthetic
hairballs for
ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department
store... With a pricing gun... She said, 'Give me all of
the
money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.'
" |
|
| "When
people ask me if
I have any spare change," says comedian Nick Arnette, "I tell them I
have
it at home in my spare wallet." |
|
| "Last time
I went to the
movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that
the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't
had
a Bar-B-Que in a long time," says comedian Steven Wright. |
|
| "Then
she said, 'How
do you feel?' And I said, 'Well, you know when you're rocking in
a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards,
but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all
the time' " - says comedian Steven Wright |
|
"When I
eas a baby, I kept
a diary," says comedian Steven Wright. "Recently I was rereading it. It
said: 'Day One: Still tired from the move. Day Two: Everybody talks to
me like I'm an idiot.'
"And I
remember turning
from one year old to two. I was really upset because I figured in one
year
my age doubled. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm seven I'll
be 64." |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Send
a link or joke to a friend
|
|
|
|
ECHOES
An American and a Scotsman were walking one
day near the foot of one
of the Scotch mountains. The Scotsman, wishing to impress the visitor,
produced a famous echo to be heard in that place. When the echo
returned
clearly after nearly four minutes, the proud Scotsman, turning to the
Yankee
exclaimed:
"There, mon, ye canna show anything like that in your country."
"Oh, I don't know," said the American, "I guess we can better that. In
my camp in the Rockies, when I go to bed I just lean out of my
window
and call out, 'Time to get up: wake up!' and eight hours afterward the
echo comes back and wakes me." |
 |
|
LEARNING FROM
THE PAST
Famous Polish pianist Paderewski arrived in
a small western town about noon one day and
decided
to take a walk in the afternoon. While strolling ling along he heard a
piano, and, following the sound, came to a house on which was a sign
reading:
"Miss Jones. Piano lessons 25 cents an hour."
Pausing to listen he heard the young woman trying to play one of
Chopin's
nocturnes, and not succeeding very well.
Paderewski walked up to the house and knocked. Miss Jones came to
the
door and recognized him at once. Delighted, she invited him in and he
sat
down and played the nocturne as only Paderewski can, afterward spending
an hour in correcting her mistakes. Miss Jones thanked him and he
departed.
Some months afterward he returned to the town, and again took the
same
walk.
He soon came to the home of Miss Jones, and, looking at the sign, he
read:
"Miss Jones. Piano lessons $1.00 an hour. (Pupil of Paderewski.)" |
|
